The fear of pain.

I think that one of the most stressful aspects of living with metastatic cancer is the fear of a return of the cancer.  I even hesitate to say "return", because technically it has never left my body. There just aren't enough cancer cells in one part of my body to show up on a CT Scan.

In between CT Scans, I worry and "scan" my body continuously.  I pay attention to every single little pain and creak. Lately there have been many pains - most likely due to a car accident from 2008, rather than cancer. But the fear is still there.

Fear is a crazy beast. It is crippling. It can bring you to your knees with worry. Setting off scenarios that run through your brain, detailing little episodes of "what if?".  What if this little pain is the cancer? What if this little cough is the cancer? What if this headache is the cancer? I would LOVE to not put any energy towards these thoughts. It doesn't help anything. But it is just hard to turn your brain off.

So right now I have a small pain on my left side. It is probably from trying to wrestle my 4 year old into a cart at Meijer. Note to self - the little guy is getting to big to push around in a grocery cart. But the pain is there, making me worried. As I bend over and pull the dishes out of the dishwasher I feel the pain. It clouds my thoughts as I bathe my son, bending over the tub to wash his hair. It is a fear that grips. A fear that I want to live without.